"Fill my cup up, run it over"

After my morning gym session, I returned home to eat a cup of grapes.. ya know, refresh while my body settles from all of the pre-workout and heart-racing adrenaline. I absolutely love the soreness and pump from a good workout - it is what I do for ME which is what I started thinking about as I sat in silence looking down at my empty cup. I realized that this empty cup was a complete reflection of my soul right now. I stared at it for about 45 minutes. No distractions, no phone, no noise, just sat and "checked out" for a min. It took me a few minutes to realize that is exactly what I needed. Then I realized how it made perfect sense to explain why I have been so absent from blogging recently. You see, it's not because I have run out of content or don't know what to say. I had big hopes and plans for this blog. It is simply because my cup has run empty. Being a mother to a child with medical challenges that require therapy, appointments, medication around the clock, attention around the clock and LOTS & LOTS of cuddles is time consuming. I give it to you mothers that have more than one child and have to function as a working (outside of the home) job. I say "outside from home" because 1. being a stay-at-home mother is HARD and it IS A JOB 2. being a stay-at-home caregiver mom is incredibly harder. You do not clock-out or get a break. You are more than "mom", you are a nurse, therapist, taxi driver, nutritionist, teacher.. etc. Days consist of numbers and calculations (that I am NOT very strong in), loneliness, dedication and sacrifices. Nonetheless, it is rewarding and I am very thankful that my husband works so hard so that I am able (not that there is a better or feasible choice, anyways).

We recently spent 2.5 months admitted at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. We were waiting to be referred outpatient wise, but Asher's pain was inconsolable. So we drove for two days, in a snowstorm might I add, and went through the ER. This was probably the most traumatic an trying season of my life for many reasons. He spent his 3rd birthday (2nd birthday in the hospital) there, he went through many tests, procedures, surgeries and so on. Once we found out what was causing his pain, he finally started to thrive and we were discharged home. He was doing WONDERFUL. We thought "wow, is this our new life?" He had gained weight, he didn't have pain. He was energetic and happy.. it was truly a dream. It only lasted 3 weeks... So adding to that list of "stay-at-home mother duties" is his daily pain and trying 500 different things to manage it. Mental and physical exhaustion, prayers, hardly sleeping, researching everything, talking to other moms in our boat, finding support groups etc. etc. my cup has run empty.

Matthew 11:28 states “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” What about when you are too exhausted and overwhelmed to even remember to come to the Lord for said "rest"? what do you do then? You run on empty.. I am strong in my faith, I know who my God is and what he can do based off of what I have seen him do, AMEN. I believe that once you reach a certain stress level, you just run off of fumes. Well, my fumes are broken. I am not sure what I am running off of anymore. I am not a coffee drinker, so it's definitely not that! I guess I am running off of the "strength and love" that God provides me even when I don't ask for it nor think I need it. I have always hated when people told me "you're so strong", "I couldn't do it if I were you" or "God only picks the strongest ones". If you've said this, I know you mean well, But I don't believe that. Some days I am not strong. He did not say "oh, she is strong, let me hand her a challenging situation". Did he hand pick me to be my son's mother, absolutely and I am so blessed that he did (even when sometimes I jokingly want a refund). But I am not "strong". I struggle, I grieve- yes, you can grieve a life or person that is not deceased. I grieve a "normal" motherhood. If I ever had a child that was "neuro-typical" I wouldn't even know what to do... do I have to feed it and what does it do for fun? haha no but really. For the "I couldn't do it if I were you", yes, you could. What other choice do you have? you say that until it's you and your beautiful child that you have created.

Let me create a raw image for you to hopefully understand. You are smooth sailing in a sea. It's a beautiful day and all of a sudden, a roaring storm swoops in and the waves engulf your sailboat leaving you to the sea. You can barely keep your head above the water, and you are using every bit of your energy and strength to fight the waves to stay alive. A sheltered ship is in the distance. You see it and try to wave your arms around for help. They see you and they can help you, but they act as if they never saw you. THAT is what this life is like, and this is why mothers, fathers and their family's cups run empty.

I wanted to remove the suction machine from the photo so that it could be more "aesthetic" or so my house could appear organized, but it is exactly why I realized this metaphor. The night before, Asher was in a lot of pain (as always). I'm not sure why God allows my 3-year-old to go through so much pain, but it hasn't shaken my faith. I still believe he will over this mountain as he has before. Anyway, when he cries that hard for that long, his sinuses run on the inside, so he chokes on the thick secretions and sometimes aspirates which results in trouble breathing. It can be serious, so I have to beat on his back and deep suction him out by running a catheter through his nostril, down his esophagus and sometimes past his windpipe to manually remove the secretions to avoid him choking. These episodes are always a domino effect. One thing leads to another that leads to 7 other things which leads to mama going insane. Nights like these, especially when I am home alone, are tough. I cannot put him down, but I need meds drawn up. I need to make more formula, I need to do this or that, but can't. It is overwhelming. My husband does an absolute wonderful job helping me when he is home. He works ungodly amounts of hours with no break then comes home and helps me or allows me a break. He will never know how much something that seems so small can be SO BIG to me. So, I left the suction machine in the photo. Had it not been there, it wouldn't have made me realize that my cup run empty.

Sometimes for some circumstances, there isn't a way around your empty cup. It won't last forever, though. It is important to remember that you, as a caregiver, have to be mentally and physically okay for your child and family. I understand lack of physical and mental support makes this hard. I don't have much of a sitter. 1. because he has so much therapy that I need to be a part of, and therapy continues at home. I need to make sure he is not laying around all day 2. I am in charge of meds and formula 3. People are scared to take care of him 4. I do not trust anyone 5. No one knows him like I do so if something is off, they don't know what that means or how to take care of him accordingly. So, I may complain that I need a break, but most of the time it is not feasible to have a sitter and there is no sitter. So, my cup run empty. (This is in reference to me, however, all of us mamas are dealing with this). When Jarvis is home, I go to the gym. I love it. It is my "me time" I go to promote my mental and physical health. I am a part of organizations that support special-needs families and I advocate and raise awareness, host donations/benefits etc. for other families like me. This is what makes me happy. Even if my days are full of chaos and exhaustion, this life is rewarding as has taught me much about myself.

I will make every effort to not be absent as long as I was, not that anyone probably follows this blog, but it helps ME. It is my therapy. With all of the numbers, things, supplies, people, physicians, appointments etc. I have to remember; it feels good to let some of that out of my brain to make room for more that will come!

As Andrew Ripp said, "fill my cup up, run it over".

Toodles!